Date a Girl Who Likes Biryani

(Because I was fed up of the exhortations to date girls who read, write, travel, does handstands while riding a horse, etc.)

Date a girl who likes Biryani. Date a girl who doesn’t need to look at the menu to know what she wants. She says no to dessert every day because she has no space for it after thulping a full Biryani. Date a girl who knows her Hyderabadi from her Malabar Biryani, can distinguish between the scents of Awadhi Biryani and Chettinadu Biryani in her sleep.

Find a girl who likes Biryani. You’ll know she does because she sniffs the air in anticipation when the waiter is bringing her order. She’s the one who has chicken bones stacked neatly on the side of her plate and an empty bowl of raita beside her in restaurants (Unless she’s not finished, in which case she’s the one who’s eating Biryani.) You see the weird chick who’s peering into your plate when you’re gorging on Biryani like there’s no tomorrow? That’s the Biryani lover.

She’s the girl you run into at Shanmukha Biryanis and then again at Biryani zone. If you take a peep into her plate, she will not have touched the gravy which comes with the Biryani. That’s the mark of a true Biryani lover – the Biryani is to be had unsullied except for the gentle dulling of the spices by the raita. Sit down. She might give you a glare as the girls who eat Biryani do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she liked her Biryani. Ask her if she thought the rice could have imbibed the masala better.

Buy her another plate of Biryani.

Let her know what you really think of Vegetable Biriyani. See if she thinks only Mutton Biryani deserves to be called Biryani.  Understand that if she says she understood what exactly the ‘Dum’ in ‘Dum Biryani’ stands for or if she’s just saying that to appear knowledgable.  Ask her if she knows Kalyani and pray she doesn’t say ‘Who?”

It’s easy to date a girl who likes Biryani. She understands there are highs and lows in a relationship and it might not always be rosy. Just like how the masala is not even throughout and the flavor might vary from part to part. Get her unexpected gifts which surprise her like the odd raisin and cashew in a Biryani. You can stop doing that after the first few weeks, because the raisins usually get over pretty fast. Sprinkle attention on her like the golden deep-fried onions sitting pretty on top of the Biryani. She’ll enjoy the attention but understand that it is really not integral to the Biryani relationship.

Make her Biryani for her birthday. Call up your mom in advance and ask her how many minutes to let it simmer on the stove.

On the day she timidly extends a casserole to you, with a blush in her cheeks, you’ll know that you have successfully captured her heart. Eat the whole of what she has given you, even if it tastes like horsecrap. Do not tell her how badly it sucks, instead tell her how it is the best biryani you have ever had. Ensure she doesn’t have even a morsel to taste. Because then she will learn the truth. She’s the girl who likes Biryani.

You will propose in Paradise Hyderabad. Or at Top Form Calicut. Or at home over a bowl of steaming goodness of rice and meat and spices. In a perfect blend. Like you and the girl who likes Biryani. Imagine her doe-eyed smile of wonder when she unearths the ring from under the juicy leg piece of chicken.

You will have a grand wedding. Where you’ll serve all the guests with the Biryani of their choice. After everyone is gone, you’ll be left alone with the girl who likes Biryani. You’ll smile happily and extend a plate of Chicken Biryani to her. And vow to share Biryani with her forever, in sickness and in health. Except if you get jaundice, in which you’ll do better to stay away from Biryani.

Grow old with the girl who likes Biryani. As old as having Biryani three times a day will allow you to. Have kids and watch her teach them to scoop Biryani onto their plate without spilling using the spoon-fork double hold. Stay in on hot summer days and order in family packs of Biryani. Cuddle around the heat of Biryani cauldron on cold winter nights. In spring, take her on walks to shed those extra pounds.

Date a girl who likes Biryani because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the tastiest life imaginable.  If you can only give her the monotony of Roti-daal, aaloo paratha, idly sambhar, you are better off alone. If you want a deeply fulfilling life with the right mixture of joy and spices little sorrows, date a girl who likes Biryani.

Or better yet, date a girl who likes Porotta-Beef Fry.

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207 thoughts on “Date a Girl Who Likes Biryani”

    1. Thanks! 🙂 Just to be clear, I enjoyed each of the posts I linked to in the first line and thought they were all very well-written. But the whole Date-a-girl-who thing is getting too much. Hence wrote this. 🙂

    1. Thanks. I’m not sure whether you’ve realized this or not – I regret missing the Biryani at your wedding. Mizaj is my classmate and friend and my home is less than a hundred meters from hers. 🙂

    1. Thanks. 🙂 I have come across your views on Biryani and Pulao. We have discussed this on a FB post by SRS (or you’ve discussed and I’ve lurked.) My Biryani Nazi-sm stops at outlawing Veg Biryani and frowning at the egg atop a Chicken Biryani (Which I believe you don’t even count as Biryani) 😀 . If you notice, the Biryani I describe throughout the post is Malabari. That is what I had in mind anyway, though I suppose most of the traits are common. I enjoyed Awadhi Biryani more than Hyderabadi, but Malabari is the one which my mom makes and hence my favorite.

      As to Paradise, I didn’t want to use the name because
      1) I felt the Biryani there was overhyped, but I couldn’t recall the name of the restaurant in Old Hyderabad where I had much better.
      2) The A$$hole Bouncer story left a bad taste. http://writersoulme.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/paradise-no-more/

      But then used it anyway since it’s a very recognizable name.
      Top Form is one of the best Malabar Biriyani joints in Kerala. You should try it sometime. I doubt you’ll change your mind though since it seems a more ideological gripe than a culinary one.

      1. Hey.. happened to stumble upon your post entirely by chance.. good one.. btw.. I think the restaurant you’re talking of in Old Hyderabad might be Shadab… near Charminar.. I personally think they make the best hyderabadi biriyani in the world!

  1. Date a girl who knows that Hyderabadi Biryani isn’t what is served in Paradise .Atleast not since the nineties. Let her tell you how Bahar hotel can embarrass Paradise on even its worst day. Find someone who knows the best places in the sidiest lanes and let her dive into a plate with her fingers while you watch her devour every morsel. 😛

    1. Yep, I know Paradise isn’t the best Biryani in Hyd. I have had better in the Old City but couldn’t recall the name of the restaurant. Used ‘Paradise’ as it’s a very recognizable name.

  2. I’m a Biriyani lover indeed :* You wrote something very interesting and alluring. I just loved it. And ‘topform’ is a ‘worstly worster’ biriyani center. As a born- Kozhikkodean, I’ll give you a better and best hotel with reasonable price at here. And it is ‘Hotel Rahmath’. Be at Rahmath, and try out the real ‘Malabar Biriyani’ 🙂

    1. Thanks. 🙂 I am surprised you think badly of Top Form. I loved their Biryani and so do a few of my friends as did someone else who has commented above. Didn’t think so much of Sagar and Paragon, but haven’t been to Rahmath.

      Let me tell you that the Biryani at Paris Hotel in Thalassery shames the best Calicut hotels. 😉 Didn’t use the name as it wouldn’t be so recognizable.

  3. a brilliant read but what a pity you have readers who think Avadhi is the real biriyani. Really, do you even think such people deserve a read. So this man thinks, Hyderabadi Biriyani is an :outstanding spicy pulav”??

    1. I’m pretty sure that if we get into the history of Biryani, all of us will have plenty to say to each other. But let’s not have a ‘Which Biryani is Biryani?’ fight on a lighthearted post. Cheers. 🙂

      1. “But let’s not have a ‘Which Biryani is Biryani?’ fight”
        No, let’s!
        Eshan Sett, choose your weapons, sir! (If you say “forks”, you’ve lost already – real biryani eaters use their fingers!)

  4. not only top form , paragon ,zains , and rahmath are awsome biryani spots in clt . i would rather prefer this joints than top form . just pay a visit and find ur self thalasherry biryani is something i think u forgot

    p.s: it was a cool factious and hilarius read

  5. HyderabadI made me fall in love with Biryani. Since then, the love has deepened.
    Cafe Bahar, though not situated in the Old City, serves better biryani than Paradise any day. And if you want a biryani place in the Old City, then go to Shah Ghouse. Incidentally, it serves the best Haleem too.

  6. And women need to date men who will let them eat Biryani without commenting on the expanding waist line that keeps growing due to the unhealthy and copious amounts of Biryani consumed. BTW while I laugh at your funny post and add a few tidbits of my own my homemade hyderabadi Biryani with raita is calling me 😉

  7. Biryani isn’t Biryani unless it’s from Lucknow. You southies think you know biryani, when fact is you don’t.

    1. You calling hyderabadis southies?? I’ll take that lying down! But you telling me, Biryani isn’t biryani unless it’s from Lucknow! Awadi biryani is nowhere close to a hyderabadi dum ki biryani! Can’t beat it in taste nor in the skill of the artist.. yes! artist..

  8. I love both Hyderabad Biryani from Paradise and equally enjoy Kerala Biryani from Kerala Kitchen. So enjoyed the post very much. Best wishes, Mall born and brought up in hyderabad – currently living in Dubai.

  9. Good chance my future husband will write a post on “Date a girl who doesn’t eat your Biryani”.

    I’m guilty on cleaning not just my plate of Biryani, but those of my friends and people around me too.

    I’m glad that I still have friends.

    Ok, bye, I shall go eat some Biryani now.

    1. Oh I bet you’re very well regarded in your circle of friends. Too many times you order Biryani and someone in the group finds he is not quite as hungry as he thought he was. Enter lifesaver who finishes everyone’s Biryani. 😀

  10. Amen! its the simplest thing to order… cheaper than ordering separate dishes and very ‘fulfilling’ Loved the idea… and does not feel guilty about loving calorie laden biryanis anymore! 😀

  11. This is in response to the line “Except if you get jaundice, in which you’ll do better to stay away from Biryani.”
    I came down with jaundice a while ago, and went to this place called Barkas (ahead of Charminar) for some herbal medicine thingy and believe it or not, part of the treatment required that I eat mutton biryani on the third day. Don’t believe me if you don’t want to, but know this- I would never lie about biryani. 😀

    1. That’s unbelievable! If, God forbid, I do come down with jaundice ever, I’m straight off to Hyderabad for expert treatment. 😀

  12. Excellent! The biryani analogy is amazing and it appeals to me more than anything else (may be because I’m a Hyderabadi xD)

    P.S. Want some good Biryani joint in Hyderabad? Try Astoria near the secretariat or Mohini at Hyderguda. Better than the popular ones like Paradise or Bawarchi. Barkas Biryani is also worth tyring. 😉

    1. Thanks. Shall keep in mind. 🙂 I think I now have enough Biryani joint recommendations in Hyderabad to dine at a different Biryani joint each day of the month 😀

  13. Ya so. My bestfriend felt like having Biryani. Hyderabadi Biryani. Was craving for it.
    And then she read this. And Now we just wish to never have Biryani again. Thanks Anyway.
    #Makes-a-mental-note-to-NOT-date-a-guy-who-blogs.

  14. Great post… just like a full bodied, fragrant biryani… the the post is over but the flavor is lingering just like it lingers to your fingers even after you have licked them after that great biryani…

  15. If you don’t call this a treat for a girl who actually has her Flickr ID as AmburBiriyani, then I do not know what is. Absolutely loved the nuances. Paradise, Karaikudi, Thalapakatu, Buhari, Velu Military, first loves of our lives.

  16. Muhahahaha!

    I think each of the hyderabadi restaurants should hang this article on their walls!

    this calls for a byrani celebration!
    😉

  17. now that was an amazing read…truly a biryani lover u r..all smiles today, thanks to your blog! thanks for that 🙂 🙂

  18. You did NOT just mention Biriyani and Porotta-Beef Fry in the same blog. Damn, now I’ve got to make that Kerala trip I’ve been putting off, before I completely lose my mind.

  19. Hahahaha! As a Biriyani Girl, I LOVE this! Also have a small favor to ask. Would you mind if I posted this on my blog.. with all due credit, and link backs, of course? 🙂

  20. Now this is one blog post I have read which I can relate with from the beginning to its conclusion (leaving the porotta-beef fry part). This whole post seems dedicated to me! 😛 I LOVE BIRYANI! 😀 But I do not date. Thank you though, I feel so much more better about myself 😛 Thumbs up to the writer for a very creative and funny post! 🙂

  21. Now, this is one blog post that I could relate to from the captivating title until the satisfying conclusion (leaving out the ‘porotto-beef fry’ part). I love HYderabadi Biryani! 😀 I dont date. Thank you though, for motivating me to savor more biryani, without having to worry about the remarks and stares I receive from all my acquaintances. Thumbs up to the writer! 🙂

  22. Love the post. You are on the right track! But sadly this would not work in Malaysia where Biryani is Briyani and the atrocities committed in the name of Biryani will break your heart and tears will flow down your face. But then…When the bad plate of Briyani i see
    In vacant or in pensive mood,
    They flash upon that inward eye
    Which is the bliss of solitude;
    And then my heart with pleasure fills,
    And tastes the Hyderabadi Dum Biryani
    Sigh

  23. I am this, and married to a biryani fiend. Glad to have passed on the genes to our son, who can sniff out the best biryani of the day in old city. Just a thought though -Paradise Biryani? Really?? When you have Cafe Bahaar or Shaadab or even an Alfa in the same town??

  24. Come on, you are being too quick to dismiss the gloriously orange bowl of kathrika curry, that measly little brinjal drowning in a ridiculous amount of oil to add that tiny tamarindy zing to your biri. And please, accuse me of casteism if you must, but all biryanis are NOT equal. The ones served in the average kerala restaurant are pariahs, with their curry leaves and red chillis, eyugh. Paragons biri is different, but not awesome. A drive to hot dusty ambur is well worth it, who needs long grained basmati when u can get lost in the fluffy,greasy goodness of jeera samba, lush with soft pieces of mutton that are so spicily juicy, the goat itself was probably bred on biryani. If you get there later than one pm though, be prepared to make do with chicken biryani. Bleh.

  25. Apart from the fact that I am now re-craving Biryani from Paradise, which I cannot get to in the near future, I like this. I thought it would be similar to the Universal idea about dating a girl who doesn’t count calories, but I like how it’s not.
    Although, personally, I’d pick the person who likes meat. Any meat. And knows that chicken barely qualifies.
    Sorry, pardon the meat-rant, it’s a weakness.
    You has a new fan, Scooter-man [again, pardon the horribility (Yes, that’s a word.)].

  26. absolutely lovely ! what a way to write— just the perfect balance of words with the right emotions like the right way to put a dum ! 🙂

  27. Burrrpp.. I call this blog a super tasty appetizer, because it sets me up to eat a double masala biryani… I started imagining more about a beautiful girl across the table and ended up finishing a yummy biryani with no thoughts about the girl whatsoever :).. Simply put, you are the ultimate biryani lover 😉 .. Great read and this leaves me craving more of your blogs..

  28. It is just amazing how well a relationship is put into a biriyani bowl … Just too good…. Just reminds me how life is a bundle of simple joys !!!

  29. yaar tumne ye kya kiya…..ek vegetarian ko chicken biryaani ki craving de di subah subah…wo bhi bides me :/ unlike 😛

  30. I think it’ll be lovely finding a matrimonial post as : Required – Biryani eating bride for …..
    Humorous, Raouf!

  31. ബിരിയാണി അല്ല ബിരിയാൻ! 🙂
    Enjoyed it through and through… Though Rahmath is more familiar to me than Kalyani. Will definitely check the blog again!

  32. Hi Raouf
    This feels like such an apt description of me, People say i get a glow on my face talking about or looking at good food. wonder how you know me :-). I may not know all the versions of the south indian biryanis you mentioned but for me the biryani my dad would make for my every birthday with raita was the best and my Dad is till the best man in the whole wide world still :-).
    thanks for posting this

  33. sorry, the only part where i dont agree with you is the chicken biryani…Actual Meat lovers love just mutton 🙂

  34. Paradise does not make good Biriyani. SHADAB in the Old City of Hyderabad serves outstanding Mutton Biriyani. I have never been to Lucknow to taste the Avadhi Biriyani but I have eaten at DUM PUKHT which serves the authentic Dum Biriyani, Avadhi Style. Will make a trip to Lucknow once to try out the cuisine there. However, If you do come to Hyderabad, do call me. We will do some biriyani restaurant hopping. Cheers. Sanjay

  35. Biryani isn’t biryani if you’re not crying by the end of it because it was just That good and more importantly- That spicy . you have to try Bangalore’s interpretation of the “andhra biryani” – will always prefer it over the likes of paradise biryani

  36. That was an awesome write up & I thoroughly enjoyed reading it… I’m a die hard lover of Briyani…& to all Briyani lovers who wanna taste different kinds of Briyani, apart from Hyderabadi, calicut & chettinad briyani, there are lots of other more delicious briyani i’ve had 🙂
    I’m listing them just in case you wud be interested:

    Dindugal briyani (Thalapakatti & Venu)
    Arcot (Star briyani) – my all time favourite 🙂
    Ambur briyani
    Vaniyambadi briyani (beef briyani)
    Vellore (amma briyani)
    Karim’s (near Jama misjid, Delhi)

    Long Live briyani makers & eaters 😛

  37. Love it! Took me forever to perfect my dum biryani, but the joy of being able to recreate the perfect Hyderabadi biryani and mirchi ka saalan is incomparable !!

  38. This is awesome! Ever since my foray in to the kitchen and the world of cooking, I haven’t gathered up the courage to cook my own Biriyani yet. But I can see that day looming at the horizon and it sure as hell tastes good!

  39. That’s one kick-ass post.
    Having lived in Hyderabad and gorged on biryani at least three times a week, I can so identify with what you’ve written. I may not know the Awadhi from the Hyderabadi (I do know the how to tell the Malabar one, though, since I hail from Thalasherry, and consider Paris biryani as one of the best I’ve ever had, long back, when it was just a tiny shabby little place. I think they’ve renovated the place now. Malabar biryani has a charm of it’s own), but I do know that the best biryani does not come from the big fancy hotels, but from the small nondescript ones, with hardly a board outside.
    The one in old city is Shadab’s, right? 🙂
    I don’t mean to pimp my blog, but here is something I’d written a while back, out of the sheer love for biryani. 🙂
    http://divyathemostuseful.blogspot.in/2011/09/old-monk-who-sold-his-rum.html

  40. Good one, Raouf!

    You are right, too many of the date-a-girl-who thing going around. I mean, who cares! 🙂

    My favourite line “And vow to share Biryani with her forever, in sickness and in health.” Loved it!.

    The comparison of raisins and fried-onion topping to life were awesome …. brought tears to my eyes; on account of LMAO, of course.

    Btw, do I get a 10 because I married a girl who loves biriyani? We’ve been staring at each other over plates of the aromatic, succulent stuff for over 26 years! 😉

  41. hahaha! funny and interesting obviously! liked the way u took their (authors of data a girl who…) and weaved in your script so nicely! The last line instantly made me think ure a mallu 😛 and there in the comments its proven i believe!

  42. Just loved the ride and the best line was…”she will not have touched the gravy which comes with the Biryani. That’s the mark of a true Biryani lover”…ahhh…thats the best n unruffled way to have biryani-
    just loved it :))

  43. Ah! loved it… loved every bit.. being a Biriyani lover myself.. I’ll probably have to share this post with my prospective groom for him to better know what he’s settling in for 😉

  44. Now that is what an incredible article looks like!!!! 5 Stars for you and I’m going to cook Biryani tomorrow for lunch – too bad I cant go to Paradise in Hyderabad -but I am sure that I will make one equally good and keep my very own Biryani Girl happy!
    Deepak – Dehradun

  45. You, sir, deserve a standing ovation.

    I swear i’ll find a girl who loves biryani, and I swear I’ll learn to cook biryani. I swear that as long as there’s biryani, there will be love, there will be hope…

    Tears of joy.

  46. this deep funny stuff..and interesting.. seriously make an epic short film out of it.. will be hilarious!

  47. Enjoyed reading your blog as much as I enjoy a plate of yummy chicken briyani! 🙂

    I was never a briyani lover but happened to marry a guy who loves briyani and before I knew I too turned out to be a briyani lover. During the initial days of my marriage, I learned that a briyani lover never shares his briyani even with his newly wed love….

  48. Ohh maaaaahn! Loved it. Every bit of it! One helluva article. Very well written and expressed. And yes, of course, I LOVE my biriyani! 😛

  49. I’m certainly a Briyani lover! All those places u mentioned make me wanna take the 1st flight to India to start my Briyani tour!! I’ve bookmarked this piece under Food References 😉 thanks!!

  50. Hahahah awesome! Hilarious stuff xD But neither chicken nor mutton counts as Biryani fyi 😛 Only mutton. Mutton biryani is the only kind of biryani there ever will be 😀

  51. The article is truly a biryani in its own way. Never came across such article which brings the awesome correlation between biryani and a relation

  52. hey, Had a chance of reading this.. It’s true and it gave a big smile when I read through.. The last sentence was highlighting and I laughed out loud.. 😀

    Just loved it.. 🙂

  53. Lol! Really funny read ….
    but, well… If people really started takin u seriously… i wud be left with no one dating me….:P Coz’ i really really don’t like biryani… and i think ordering biryani in restaurants is a mark of laziness and lack of interest in the huge variety of food (other than biryani) which you can relish!!! Ahh!!! It’s just me, I know!!!!

  54. Dude I would love to buy you a plate of biriyani, if you could just tell me where I can find really good unsullied mutton biriyani in Bangalore. By the way this post simply awesome and hilarious, would love to share it with others.

  55. Dear friend this is a masterpiece, laughed, chuckled and smiled my way to kingdom come. I eagerly await the next succulent dish from the master chef. By the way my girl makes excellent biriyani but as our family grew in numbers her culinary skills got archived!!

  56. Super hilarious!!!….. I can totally relate… I am from Hyderabad…so biryani is our staple food…. And my husband is from Chennai who lives and breathes biryani…. all 365 days of the year!! Yup a match made in heaven or should I say “Paradise”….. LOL…

  57. Does Hyderabadi Biryani have raisins in it??? I lovvvvvve Biryani and I make good Biryani too but I dont remember having Raisins it. that will become Kashmiri pulav

  58. This biryani story was amazing and so funny. This showed some respect for girls or women who love biryani. For me biryani is only and only mutton biryani and I just want to forget myself growing breadth wise and dip myself forever into mutton biryani. Yummy Yumms.

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